Should vs Must – finding true love with an open mind

I recently listened to a podcast interviewing the hugely inspirational Elle Luna, and immediately got stuck into reading her article on ‘The crossroads of Should and Must’. I highly recommend having a read (I am currently feeling so ready to follow my ‘must’ that I can hardly breathe!) but to give you a summary, here’s my interpretation, with my own ‘true love obsessed’ and LGBTQ/Love is Love spin on it:

‘Should’ = the things we feel we should do, the things society / our family / our friends / our boss / anyone tells us to do…working in that job that makes you want to give up on life, dressing or acting the way you’ve been taught is ‘appropriate’, feeling like you ‘should’ be on a diet or get botox – because magazines tell you that you ‘should’ forever look 16 years old… you know the score. We all have about a billion ‘shoulds’ dictating our lives, in hundreds of different ways.

‘Must’ = who we are, what we believe, our most authentic wonderful self, in our absolute truth. A lot of the time, our ‘must’ is in most of us hidden under a whole load of ‘should’. ‘Musts’ are the things we are destined for, and when we connect with them, we don’t have a choice but to follow their lead…

I love these terminologies that Elle has used, it makes the whole thing seem so simple and easy to understand. I’ve always known them as following my head vs following my heart. Or, for the more spiritually minded among us, Ego vs Higher Self.

Whatever labels we want to give them, many of us feel that there are two (OK, at least two, maybe sometimes even three, or four…or ten!!) opposing sides to us at all times, quite often pulling us in completely different directions.

As I listened to Elle talk about following her deepest hidden curiosities (her ‘Musts’), which led to her finding her ‘calling’ and all sorts of exciting things happening to her, it made me think about love. Real, true love that knows no boundaries.

Image courtesy of Queerty –

Imagine if we’d all been brought up seeing things like this on a regular basis… would we still believe we ‘should’ have to be with someone of the opposite sex?

Many of us feel that we have to follow our ‘shoulds’ instead of our ‘musts’ when it comes to love. We’re so caught up in what we’ve been taught we ‘should’ be looking for in life – everything from movies, to songs, to the toys we were bought as children, has told us who and what we ‘should’ be looking for when it comes to love.

But what if real love, our ‘must’ love, is right there in front of us but we don’t even consider it? What if, underneath all of those ‘shoulds’, there’s a big huge ‘must’ rumbling inside of you, every time you’re around that person?

Before I got together with my beloved wife, we started working together. Even though I was pretty open minded about sexuality, I never really considered that I’d end up with a woman – it just hadn’t even come into my consciousness. So there wasn’t a Disney-esque meeting – no fireworks exploded, no birds sang, neither of us instantly thought ‘this could be the one’… it just didn’t happen like that. But what did happen, was that my ‘must’ started to very subtly show itself to me.

I had no idea why, but I became somehow aware that being in the same room as this person made my heart sing…literally sing! I felt so deliriously happy, just to be in the same space as her. When we parted ways at the end of a day, we both would have this strange feeling as we drove home, like we were driving in the wrong direction.

Why? We had no idea at the time, and it wasn’t until a long time later (thank you vodka), that we figured it out.

I ‘should’ have been looking for a tall, dark & handsome man, shouldn’t I?

Rumi love quote

Following my ‘must’ was the best thing I ever did but it was one of the hardest things too.

Breaking through those boundaries that we have set in our minds, in society, is just so hard. Even the most open minded people in the world have still been told over and over a whole list of ‘shoulds’ that are really difficult to entirely ignore.

We all have a load of ‘shoulds’ engrained in us:

I ‘should’ be with a man

I ‘should’ be with a woman

I ‘should’ be with someone of the same ethnicity

I ‘should’ be with someone with a good job

I ‘should’ be with someone taller than me

The list can go on forever! And our ‘musts’ can find it hard to come through to the surface. They start as gentle curiosities, subtle inklings, a little tug on your hand pulling you in a different direction.

Sera quote should must

If you feel a ‘must’, follow it!

‘Must’ is your truth, its your authenticity, and most of all its LOVE. Its real love, pulling you towards whoever it is you’re supposed to be, and of course, whoever it is you’re supposed to be with 🙂

I speak from experience when I say, follow your must and you will find your happiest self.

So, choose ‘Must’, choose love!

Sending love & ‘musts’ to you all



Sera sign off NEW NAME

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